Cowardly Attack on the Medical Profession
It is the 19th of the month and my name is Sola. This is not about my book, or even about me. It is about the future of the medical profession. It is serious.
Since I was aged 16 I have been taking this drug called Heroinee (this is how it is spelt in Latvia). This is because I have a family history of bad luck – we tend to be born under the wrong sign for our genotype. The drug, (known as Sharapodium in the West) gives me luck and makes me happy. Sadly it makes me grunt and fart under strain and during exams the hall either has to be cleared or the others have to accept it when the results come out and I’m top again.
I am now a plastic surgeon. In theatre, the patients love me because I share my Heroinee with them. It is such a sight to watch their euphoric swivelling of head and eyes with the loose skin hanging, like washing, from their jaws. It reminds me of the VIP box during Wimbledon fortnight.
The other day a cleaner caught me snorting and grunting in the women’s toilet at 5 am. Then I received a confidential email from some busy body telling me that Heroin is illegal.
My private secretary says that it would be good for my image if I admitted taking Heroinee in error because it is spelt differently in Latvia. Unfortunately, the GMC, BMA, the hospital Trust and some of my colleagues (jealous of course of my success) take a different view. I want to sue them for harassment and on behalf of the medical profession, which will not be the same without the money I bring in, but I need your help because of a temporary reverse in (ask the Office of Budget Responsibility) of my discretionary cash flow situation. It could be you. I could be you!
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